Who I Am

I hate this cliche but my life is EXACTLY like a merry-go-round that never stops & the only way off is to jump... I try to do more than I myself know I can & sometimes I take it out on the wrong people... my family. There are days that I think to myself, what would it be like if I didn't have kids, if I didn't have a husband. By the way, for those of you who are reading this right now & judging me, you should start being honest with yourselves cause as mothers & wives, we all have those thoughts at least once in our lives.

 I start to imagine who I would be. Would I be a famous author? Would I be an executive in New York? Would I be a doctor like I had planned to be? But then I think of all of the things I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be that mom at Bella's games proudly cheering her on when she scores over half the points in her basketball game. I wouldn't be Nate's mom who comes home with better report cards than his mommy ever did & I wouldn't be Maddie's mommy who every time she sees me her eyes light up & her smile can change my day in a heartbeat. I wouldn't be a wife who has a husband that asks her every morning, how does your head feel? Do you need me to get you anything? And I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for all of the things in my life that I sometimes wish could be paused if even for a moment, a second, a year. As a mother, you can't take a sabbatical & come back a year later to start where you left off. You don't have the privilege of saying I think I will go on a 3 week vacation, call a travel agent & just pack. You have to worry about who will watch the kids, how they will get to school, who will take them to their sporting events & so forth. But what you do have the privilege of is knowing these amazing beautiful individuals who you helped create & watching them accomplish new things every day. You have the privilege of loving another person as much as they love you & sharing special moments with them even if it is only a weekend in Reno where strawberries, champagne & sushi are the highlight of your trip & you will talk about it for weeks. You have the privilege of meeting wonderful mommy's in your circle that help you take your kids to school, pick them up, drop them off at events & keep them over night when you feel like you can't take another mis-hap or you are going to run away... forever. I can't say that every day is wonderful & that I cherish every moment, but even the chaotic one's I know I should cause if I didn't have them, my life would not be complete. I am who I am because of many things, but the woman I am at this very moment is who I choose to be. Would I have chose her when I was 18? I don't know, but what I do know is that at 18 I made a decision that changed my life forever & when that decision asked me this morning if she could borrow some clothes, I smiled & told her of course let's go find something for you to wear. So yes my life is a merry-go-round, but you know what, I happen to enjoy merry-go-rounds they are slow enough to take it all in, yet steady enough to get you through one obstacle & on to the next without completely losing your mind. So for now I will continue to enjoy the ride for as many days I am blessed with & know that one day when my kids have their own children I will call that travel agent, book that 3 week vacation & have many strawberries, champagne, sushi moments with the love of my life that we will talk about forever. But until then, I am off to go shopping so that my 11 year old can stop "borrowing" mommy's clothes!