In the last few months, I have to come to appreciate what I know as the little moments. At least that is what I like to call them. I am a Career Mom. Yes that is a title, and yes I wear it proudly, yet with all great titles come struggles that I never could have imagined before bearing the title. These days, more often than not, I have moments where I miss having a 9-5 job where I went to work, did what I was paid to do (most of the time) & then went home, leaving any and everything work related where it belonged... at work. But, a little over 7 years ago I made a decision that changed all that.
See, I have never been the kind of girl who "settles" for well, this must be it. Ever since I can remember I have been on what I have come to refer to as "5 year plans". I have babies every 5 years, I change positions every 5 years & I become what I have defined as "restless" every 5 years. At this moment, I believe I am going through one of my "restless" phases. You see, I am currently struggling with the fact that the reality of my situation, much like many other mom's I know, is that I have to get up and go to work five days a week. After the birth of my 3rd child, yes I have 3, yes I have a career & yes I drink vodka more nights than not, it has become more prevalent that I am constantly battling the urge to quit my job, become a SAHM & if we're being honest, move into a 1 bedroom apartment because that is all we would be able to afford.
I knew that when I made the decision to go into management 7 years ago it meant I would have to sacrifice time with my children, but I also knew that it would pay off in the end because of what I would be able to provide for them. Yet 7 years ago I was a single mom & my main focus was how & what was I going to do to be able to take care of them. So at that particular time in my life I made some decisions to let go of the bad, grab hold of the good and see where it took us. Within a few short years those decisions took myself, Bella & Nate to a place where I re-met the man of my dreams, fell in love, married him & had another baby all within a year. And as soon as that 10lb 14oz bundle of joy arrived, our family felt complete and for the first time in my life I was completely content with where I was. Or was I?
Low and behold, the 5 year mark of "it's time to change your position" came around & before I knew it I was looking for something new. If we're being honest, which let's face it I have a bad habit of doing, even before I had Maddison I knew I was getting bored of my routine in regards to my career and that at any moment I was on the verge of making a change. So shortly after returning from maternity leave I decided to pursue a career as a Manager knowing all too well that it would involve even more of my time yet on the flip side, it would provide even more benefits in the long run.
When I was offered my current position I couldn't have been more thrilled and even though I am still loving it 18 months in, I have come to a place where I am questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing. Every day I look at Bella, Nate & Maddie and see how much they are changing. I see how fast the time goes, and how much time I don't get to spend with them and although I am ever so grateful for my husband, my mother, my mother n law and all the other people in my life who they get to spend time with, I struggle with the fact that the majority of the time it is not with me.
The sacrifices that we as career mom's have to make are some of the hardest sacrifices we will ever make because the reality is, the one thing we can never get back is time. And what I have come to realize is that time in itself is the most precious thing of all. It isn't going to matter to Bella that I could afford the expensive UGG's she wanted, or the iPod Touch that Nate wanted, rather that I was there to see her first home run and his first touchdown because those are things you can't see again. Those are moments that will stay with me forever & hopefully with them. Yet, at this moment, that is not an option. I can only hope that I don't miss those moments, or at least not all of them. That I can somehow manage to do it all & then some so that I am giving 100% to everything including my career & children and not just one or neither of them. I can only hope that all 3 of them realize that what I am doing is no longer really for me, but for them and what I want to be able to provide for them each and every day. Is it the right thing, I don't have an answer to that, but what I do know is that with every day that passes I believe that I am getting that much closer to where I want to be. That I will one day find a balance and that in the end what matters most is that they know how much the little moments mean to me. That I couldn't be prouder of the people they are becoming & that maybe by me being a career mom it is somehow helping to form the adults they will become one day.
My son said to me this morning that he wanted to be a man like his Nunu when he grows up. When I asked him what that meant he said someone like you mom, someone who is good and smart and who has a good job, but he is a boy and you're a girl so that is why I said Nunu. I had to smile to myself because I knew what he meant and I knew in my heart that it meant that for now at least I am doing the right thing and that even if I can't always see it, the people who matter the most can.
