I ran in to an old friend today while shopping at Costco. Yes, Costco. On a Tuesday. Now this is not something I would normally be able to do you see, but I have been off of work on disability for the last 4 weeks due to having a hysterectomy. AKA the only way a mom gets more than 2 weeks off these days other than birthing a child. This old friend and I get to talking and catching up and we start discussing work and family and kids and I ask her if she is still teaching. She starts to explain that she stopped so that she could be home with her children as they were a part of a parent participation school and there was no way she could do what was expected of her from the school and still work full time or even part time. I wholeheartedly agreed. She then went on to say that her children were no longer a part of that school, but that she just couldn't find it in her to go back to work right now. And do you know why? Because she said that if she did, none of her other duties that she has been doing as a SAHM would go away. I nodded and listened knowing all too well what she was saying and agreeing with her on just about everything.
You see, I have never been a SAHM. I have never been given that opportunity for one reason or another and it is just something that doesn't work for my family at this time in our lives. I have been and still am the "bread winner" if you will, and my husband has been amazing with that. He isn't too prideful that he won't admit it, but it is still so taboo in this day and age for some reason when anyone as so mentions it, things become awkward. I find this extremely annoying for multiple reasons, but the most important one is that more than 1/2 of the women in my circle are the top income earners in their family as well.Yet as a society, we expect women to work as if they don't have a family to care for, yet raise a family as if they don't have to work. Why is that? Why is it that I felt like I should have been grateful that I was able to shop for my family at Costco on a Tuesday at 10:30 AM when it is less crowded while I am still recovering from my hysterectomy? I call bullshit. I call bullshit on all of it. I am sick and tired of these unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves and on one another. I am tired of feeling like I am not doing enough whether it be at work or at home or for my children or for myself. We need to do better. As a society, we need to do better not just for ourselves, but for our daughters as well as for our sons. These expectations that we have placed on one another are the reasons why SAHM's feel a certain way towards working moms and why working moms feel a certain way toward SAHM's.
Every single mother I know is just striving to do her best. The SAHM who is dealing with the guilt that she feels by not working yet feels guilty for saying she needs a break. The working mom who is dealing with the guilt that she feels for not spending enough time with her family and feels like she would be wrong for asking for a break. When is enough going to be enough? These unrealistic expectations are causing so many of the women in my life to feel defeated on a daily basis. To feel like they are the ones who take on 90% of the housework, yet are still expected to go to work just like their significant other. We no longer live like our parents or their parents once did. It is a different time, a different world and a different reality and as women we have fought really hard to get to where we are, but we still need to do better. We need to be more forgiving of one another. We need to lift one another up in time of need and feel empowered to speak up when we see that someone needs help. We need to feel comfortable to tell our employer that we need to take time off to be with our children/family and not feel guilty for doing so. We need to feel empowered to tell our significant others that we need a day to ourselves when we feel like we are going to break. We need to accept that SAHM's need breaks from their daily routines just as much as working moms do and shouldn't be judged for saying so.
I go back to work in exactly 2 weeks from today and I have made the decision that I am going to view things a little differently this time around. I am not going to be made to feel guilty for any of the things mentioned above and most importantly, I am not going to make myself feel guilty for them. I am going to ask for help when I need help and I am going to do my best to give my all to my career, my family, myself, but also be forgiving when I feel like I just can't give anymore on any particular given day. My hope is that my daughters will grow up to be strong, independent women, that aren't afraid to speak up for themselves. But more importantly that my son will grow up to be a kind, helpful, supportive husband to his wife one day so that she doesn't have to feel like the entire weight of the world is on her shoulders and her shoulders alone. And my hope is that we as a society stop placing these expectations on ourselves and on one another... we are all just trying to be the very best we possibly can and that in itself should be enough.
