Who I Am

I hate this cliche but my life is EXACTLY like a merry-go-round that never stops & the only way off is to jump... I try to do more than I myself know I can & sometimes I take it out on the wrong people... my family. There are days that I think to myself, what would it be like if I didn't have kids, if I didn't have a husband. By the way, for those of you who are reading this right now & judging me, you should start being honest with yourselves cause as mothers & wives, we all have those thoughts at least once in our lives.

 I start to imagine who I would be. Would I be a famous author? Would I be an executive in New York? Would I be a doctor like I had planned to be? But then I think of all of the things I wouldn't be. I wouldn't be that mom at Bella's games proudly cheering her on when she scores over half the points in her basketball game. I wouldn't be Nate's mom who comes home with better report cards than his mommy ever did & I wouldn't be Maddie's mommy who every time she sees me her eyes light up & her smile can change my day in a heartbeat. I wouldn't be a wife who has a husband that asks her every morning, how does your head feel? Do you need me to get you anything? And I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for all of the things in my life that I sometimes wish could be paused if even for a moment, a second, a year. As a mother, you can't take a sabbatical & come back a year later to start where you left off. You don't have the privilege of saying I think I will go on a 3 week vacation, call a travel agent & just pack. You have to worry about who will watch the kids, how they will get to school, who will take them to their sporting events & so forth. But what you do have the privilege of is knowing these amazing beautiful individuals who you helped create & watching them accomplish new things every day. You have the privilege of loving another person as much as they love you & sharing special moments with them even if it is only a weekend in Reno where strawberries, champagne & sushi are the highlight of your trip & you will talk about it for weeks. You have the privilege of meeting wonderful mommy's in your circle that help you take your kids to school, pick them up, drop them off at events & keep them over night when you feel like you can't take another mis-hap or you are going to run away... forever. I can't say that every day is wonderful & that I cherish every moment, but even the chaotic one's I know I should cause if I didn't have them, my life would not be complete. I am who I am because of many things, but the woman I am at this very moment is who I choose to be. Would I have chose her when I was 18? I don't know, but what I do know is that at 18 I made a decision that changed my life forever & when that decision asked me this morning if she could borrow some clothes, I smiled & told her of course let's go find something for you to wear. So yes my life is a merry-go-round, but you know what, I happen to enjoy merry-go-rounds they are slow enough to take it all in, yet steady enough to get you through one obstacle & on to the next without completely losing your mind. So for now I will continue to enjoy the ride for as many days I am blessed with & know that one day when my kids have their own children I will call that travel agent, book that 3 week vacation & have many strawberries, champagne, sushi moments with the love of my life that we will talk about forever. But until then, I am off to go shopping so that my 11 year old can stop "borrowing" mommy's clothes!

A Mother & Daugher

My mom & I do not always see eye to eye. Then again, I believe that not seeing eye to eye is essential in the growth of a strong mother/daughter relationship & that sometimes it may make the bond stronger. My own relationship with my mother for example is constantly tested by the decisions we make, the words we use & the manner in which we choose to deal with situations. Yet somehow, my mom & I always seem to make it through. I was 19 when I had Isabelle. My mom was my rock & the ONLY reason that I got through that first week without feeling like I was on another planet. She stayed with me through every contraction, every push & eventually every first that I would experience as a first time mother myself. The weekend of my 21st birthday my life changed drastically & although I am sure my mom thought it better for me to be home with Isabelle every night, she graciously allowed me to do what any normal 21 year old wants to do & did not make me feel guilty for it. (at least not very often ;). She may not know this, but she saved me. I was able to go out every other weekend, be young and crazy & make bad decisions with my girlfriends & all the while, she was at home with Bella not wanting me to miss out on my youth. Five years later I had Nate. Once again not so wise choices landed me in a situation where I found myself needing my mom more than ever & what does she do? She tells my dad they are selling their big, beautiful, brand new house in Tracy to move back closer to her grand babies & her children so that she can help her daughter one more time. My children are now 11 & 6 and not a day goes by that she does not offer to do something for them, for me, or for my newest little one 7 month old Maddison. I will admit she can be overbearing from time to time, but then again what mother isn't? I know that she means well & although I would like to think that my children are who they are because of me I know that large parts of their personality come from my own mother who's strong influence shines through more often than not. And although this makes it hard for me to always see eye to eye with my own daughter, I know that she will be a better person from having both of us in her life rather than just me. I may not say it often enough, but I think she knows how much she means to me. I think she knows the days I need her to call me up & ask me if I want her to take Nate to baseball practice. If I want her to bring the kids dinner, or if I want her to take me shopping... even if I am 30 years old. And if she doesn't already know this, I hope that now she does... You are very much appreciated mom... Today, tomorrow and always.

Then & Now

When I was younger, I used to believe that I didn’t want to be like my mom. The stay at home mom/domesticated house wife story was way over rated and I didn’t ever see myself settling in to a pattern like the one I was raised in.

But then, I grew up. And the next thing I knew I started to feel like I wanted that more and more. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not your average mom by any means, and definitely not by my own mother’s standards. But, I am a good mom. I may only cook breakfast on the weekends, I drink more than I should at dinner parties, and I enjoy my ALONE time. Nonetheless, these are minor details in the grand scheme of what really matters. I kiss my kids whenever I feel like it,  I tell them stories of when I was younger and ensure them that they will not make the same mistakes I once did and I help them to see that although we may not be like everyone else, we are perfect for what we are, a family.

 I am a successful career woman. I have a career that I love, which makes it even easier to be successful at it. I have 2 beautiful children, a nice home in a good school district and guess what? I’m single. Not such a big surprise is it? I don’t mind it, I actually enjoy being single. You don’t have to answer to anyone but yourself when you get home, you don’t have to cook dinner if you don’t want to (and I don’t) and you never have to worry about the toilet seat being left up, (unless of course my 4 year old boy uses mommy’s potty.) But just recently, I felt like I was missing something… LOVE. It’s true, I have given it a shot a time or two, (they have different fathers but who’s counting), it just never really worked out. I don’t regret the decisions I have made, I just question them. I believe that as a woman of 28, I should know better than to dive head first into a pool with no water… or do I? I recently started dating someone. And when I say recent I mean 2 months ago recent. I have “known” him for a very long time, but haven’t seen or talked to him in over a decade…

 He moved in last Monday. : )

I know what you’re thinking. What in the hell is wrong with this girl? She has two kids out of wedlock already (did I mention I never married either of their father’s?) She just got out of a 7 month relationship, (probably failed to mention that one too, didn’t I?) And now she just let someone whom she has been dating for 2 months move in with her and her children??! I know, I know, its crazy, but you know what, for the first time in my life I am doing what I want to do without listening to what everyone else around me has to say, and it feels soooo unbelievably exhilarating!

I wrote this exactly 2 years ago this month... SO much has changed... stay tuned